New York Times opinion columnist Lydia Polgreen recently wrote about the backlash against the growing acceptance of diverse gender identities, and about abetting children’s wishes to transition away from the gender assigned them at birth. (Here is a gift link.) At the center of these conflicts is the question of what is
Interesting analogies between gender, race, and kinship identities, Tony!
I'm always struck by adult insistence that children are ignorant and powerless, and of course for us adopted people, that insistence can continue until we're elderly when it comes to our kinship identity. Thanks for putting kinship identity into a wider context.
I really liked this piece! Love the idea of being sovereign over our identities and perhaps being more lightly attached to them and allowing for both the fluid and the fixed aspects of who we are. Thanks for your insights Tony!
Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us in this piece. I very much appreciate the insight you have given me into a life different from my own. Thanks also for the connections you made between kinship choices and gender choices; these are connections I would not have come to on my own. Thank you also for the gift link to the article. I had seen it earlier this week, but couldn’t access it. I’m thankful for the chance to read it and to read your piece discussing it!
Lately, I’ve been hearing in my mind’s memories the voice of a woman, a mental healthcare RN who led the local CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) support group. She often asked, “How did we become crumb snatchers? How did we become so desperate for attention, affection, and admiration, that we have become willing to settle for crumbs from the people who we should love us?”
“When?” she continued, “Just when will we stand up and say ‘Enough Is Enough?’ When will we decide we are worthy of respect and kindness? These people who treat us like we are trash, they should come begging to us for our precious time. Are we going to let them use us and abuse us until we are dead and gone?”
At that time, I was secretly sad and angry, but afraid to express my feelings calmly and honestly. I was so deeply afraid of being rejected yet again by people I believed loved me, yet was confused and hurt when they treated me in unkind, even coldly vicious, ways.
Sitting there, I was struck with a shiver of fear. Would I dare? Should I dare? Raised and trained to be a people pleaser, I knew the #1 most important thing in life is What Would People Think. She was speaking for my right to exist, to be loved by people who show me they love me — and not just say it. My fear was that if I began acting as if I have the human right to exist and maybe someday even to search for my birth family, I would be castigated by and driven out of my adoptive family, the only family I had known since I was a few weeks old.
Your insightful comments about some obvious similarities and some more subtle connections one can see between a trans person or POC experiencing a battle to just be who they are, and an adopted person’s attempt to choose their own identity/relationships/boundaries, brought Mary’s voice right back to me:
“How long are you going to snatch at crumbs? What would it take for you see that you deserve a full rich meal? We’ve got to stop snatching at crumbs!”
You have clearly chosen to not be a crumb-snatcher, refusing to let others define your identity within the strict limits prescribed to most (if not all) adoptees.
I mean the whole, “Do you know who your REAL Mother is?” is something kids asked me on the playground. And adults asked me that too. My entire life. And once I began searching for and later found, my birth parents, my (adoptive) cousins wanted to know, “Well, how does your [adoptive] Mom feel about you doing this? You do know she’s your Real Mother, don’t you? Because she’s the one who raised you. My God, your parents must be SAINTS!”
🙄 anywho
Thank you for writing this, Tony! Thoroughly enjoyed this.
The woman who gave birth to you is not your actual mother? I stopped reading there. You are so far down the rabbit hole. And the surrogacy industries are clapping wildly to hear your words.
Interesting analogies between gender, race, and kinship identities, Tony!
I'm always struck by adult insistence that children are ignorant and powerless, and of course for us adopted people, that insistence can continue until we're elderly when it comes to our kinship identity. Thanks for putting kinship identity into a wider context.
I really liked this piece! Love the idea of being sovereign over our identities and perhaps being more lightly attached to them and allowing for both the fluid and the fixed aspects of who we are. Thanks for your insights Tony!
Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us in this piece. I very much appreciate the insight you have given me into a life different from my own. Thanks also for the connections you made between kinship choices and gender choices; these are connections I would not have come to on my own. Thank you also for the gift link to the article. I had seen it earlier this week, but couldn’t access it. I’m thankful for the chance to read it and to read your piece discussing it!
Loved all of this. Lots to ponder.
I love your thinking!
Nicely thought out, Tony. I enjoy your writing and your logic.
Lately, I’ve been hearing in my mind’s memories the voice of a woman, a mental healthcare RN who led the local CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) support group. She often asked, “How did we become crumb snatchers? How did we become so desperate for attention, affection, and admiration, that we have become willing to settle for crumbs from the people who we should love us?”
“When?” she continued, “Just when will we stand up and say ‘Enough Is Enough?’ When will we decide we are worthy of respect and kindness? These people who treat us like we are trash, they should come begging to us for our precious time. Are we going to let them use us and abuse us until we are dead and gone?”
At that time, I was secretly sad and angry, but afraid to express my feelings calmly and honestly. I was so deeply afraid of being rejected yet again by people I believed loved me, yet was confused and hurt when they treated me in unkind, even coldly vicious, ways.
Sitting there, I was struck with a shiver of fear. Would I dare? Should I dare? Raised and trained to be a people pleaser, I knew the #1 most important thing in life is What Would People Think. She was speaking for my right to exist, to be loved by people who show me they love me — and not just say it. My fear was that if I began acting as if I have the human right to exist and maybe someday even to search for my birth family, I would be castigated by and driven out of my adoptive family, the only family I had known since I was a few weeks old.
Your insightful comments about some obvious similarities and some more subtle connections one can see between a trans person or POC experiencing a battle to just be who they are, and an adopted person’s attempt to choose their own identity/relationships/boundaries, brought Mary’s voice right back to me:
“How long are you going to snatch at crumbs? What would it take for you see that you deserve a full rich meal? We’ve got to stop snatching at crumbs!”
You have clearly chosen to not be a crumb-snatcher, refusing to let others define your identity within the strict limits prescribed to most (if not all) adoptees.
I mean the whole, “Do you know who your REAL Mother is?” is something kids asked me on the playground. And adults asked me that too. My entire life. And once I began searching for and later found, my birth parents, my (adoptive) cousins wanted to know, “Well, how does your [adoptive] Mom feel about you doing this? You do know she’s your Real Mother, don’t you? Because she’s the one who raised you. My God, your parents must be SAINTS!”
🙄 anywho
Thank you for writing this, Tony! Thoroughly enjoyed this.
The woman who gave birth to you is not your actual mother? I stopped reading there. You are so far down the rabbit hole. And the surrogacy industries are clapping wildly to hear your words.