For most of these past 49 years since bring reunited with blood kin, I’ve tried to find the words to describe my experiences. The more I tried to make sense of my life, and to explain it to others, the more confused I became when non-adopted did not comprehend the facts of my life.
I, too, have been humiliated, not only by being relegated to sitting at a non-family table, I’ve been shunned, rejected, pushed aside, mocked, belittled, and verbally and physically attacked not only by extended adoptive family members, or even blood kin (who can’t and won’t comprehend my relationships with both families), but also by the general public. Non-adopted people and people who have not relinquished a child to adoption often see an adoptee’s life as either black or white, or either-or. I am a threat to their pre-conceived notions of what “family” means to them vs. my reality of having two sets of very real parents, and family in both of these families.
Yes, I do see my life experiences as an adopted person as existential, very much so. The non-adopted public doesn’t like it that I am a writer for dispelling the myths and taboos of adoption. I refuse to live in magical thinking, as so many people do, which is why I am a target of abuse, as are many thousands of adoptees worldwide, like you, who write to educate the masses.
Doris, thank you for your comment. I must say, you describe and confirm quite well my own very parallel life experience. Often it feels like I must shout into a void of no listening, no comprehension. Sometimes, though, it breaks through a bit to someone if I ask, “Do you believe a parent can love more than one child?”
To the unvarying “Yes!” reply, I say, “If a parent can love more than one child, a child can love more than one parent.”
Not everyone is ready to agree with an adoptee’s rights. But some do get it right away.
Lisajane16, and it isn't a matter of "agreeing" with adoptees, as if what we experience and our feelings are opinions to be debated. There is nothing to debate! Adopted people actually do have two sets of real parents, two sets of families, two birth certificates, two identities, and we are left to grapple with it all. Everyone else say mean things to us all the time. "Well, I think that...." as if they carry authority over us, snapping us down. We are not bugs to swat.
It isn't a matter of belief, either. "I believe that adoptees should ..."
Yes, some non-adopted people get it right away. If this happened to them, how would they feel?
Just remember this the next time you are confronted: If adoption is so wonderful, which one of your children can I have as my very own?"
All of the above. I've decided that if someone has the audacity to use any kind of "real" family language at me, my response will be to ask if that means the rest of my family is "fake".
I get to choose. And I choose to say they are all family. There is no "fake," so there is no "real." There are degrees, certainly, but that's a different conversation.
"Adoptees are free, but also burdened, to decide who counts as family" is the truest description I've seen from my aparent perspective of what my grown children continue to sort out, both with the birth family they've known since childhood and the relatives they've met as adults.
From another viewpoint, their great-grandmother told me once that she used to describe me to acquaintances as her daughter, by the logic that I was mom to some of her grandchildren. She said that got too complicated since I'm a different race and not actually related, so she switched to daughter-in-law. To me she felt like a wise and beloved aunt, not a role that was filled in my own family of origin.
I was a cultural anthropology major those many years ago, and my interest in this covers both emotional and intellectual ground.
I reread this and see that it may sound as though I think only bio side relationships may come with questions and reappraisals. Not what I meant or what I've seen play out, just to be clear
This is so brilliantly put.
Thank you so much.
Exactly what I needed to read today!
For most of these past 49 years since bring reunited with blood kin, I’ve tried to find the words to describe my experiences. The more I tried to make sense of my life, and to explain it to others, the more confused I became when non-adopted did not comprehend the facts of my life.
I, too, have been humiliated, not only by being relegated to sitting at a non-family table, I’ve been shunned, rejected, pushed aside, mocked, belittled, and verbally and physically attacked not only by extended adoptive family members, or even blood kin (who can’t and won’t comprehend my relationships with both families), but also by the general public. Non-adopted people and people who have not relinquished a child to adoption often see an adoptee’s life as either black or white, or either-or. I am a threat to their pre-conceived notions of what “family” means to them vs. my reality of having two sets of very real parents, and family in both of these families.
Yes, I do see my life experiences as an adopted person as existential, very much so. The non-adopted public doesn’t like it that I am a writer for dispelling the myths and taboos of adoption. I refuse to live in magical thinking, as so many people do, which is why I am a target of abuse, as are many thousands of adoptees worldwide, like you, who write to educate the masses.
Thank you, Tony, for your excellent piece today.
Doris, thank you for your comment. I must say, you describe and confirm quite well my own very parallel life experience. Often it feels like I must shout into a void of no listening, no comprehension. Sometimes, though, it breaks through a bit to someone if I ask, “Do you believe a parent can love more than one child?”
To the unvarying “Yes!” reply, I say, “If a parent can love more than one child, a child can love more than one parent.”
Not everyone is ready to agree with an adoptee’s rights. But some do get it right away.
Lisajane16, and it isn't a matter of "agreeing" with adoptees, as if what we experience and our feelings are opinions to be debated. There is nothing to debate! Adopted people actually do have two sets of real parents, two sets of families, two birth certificates, two identities, and we are left to grapple with it all. Everyone else say mean things to us all the time. "Well, I think that...." as if they carry authority over us, snapping us down. We are not bugs to swat.
It isn't a matter of belief, either. "I believe that adoptees should ..."
Yes, some non-adopted people get it right away. If this happened to them, how would they feel?
Just remember this the next time you are confronted: If adoption is so wonderful, which one of your children can I have as my very own?"
All of the above. I've decided that if someone has the audacity to use any kind of "real" family language at me, my response will be to ask if that means the rest of my family is "fake".
I get to choose. And I choose to say they are all family. There is no "fake," so there is no "real." There are degrees, certainly, but that's a different conversation.
Reminds me of a conversation I recently had with my spouse’s stepmother concerning my birth mother:
Her: what do your kids know her as - an older lady that their mom knows?
me: Grandma.
her: oh. So she’s Grandma and your mom is Granny.
me: Yes
"Adoptees are free, but also burdened, to decide who counts as family" is the truest description I've seen from my aparent perspective of what my grown children continue to sort out, both with the birth family they've known since childhood and the relatives they've met as adults.
From another viewpoint, their great-grandmother told me once that she used to describe me to acquaintances as her daughter, by the logic that I was mom to some of her grandchildren. She said that got too complicated since I'm a different race and not actually related, so she switched to daughter-in-law. To me she felt like a wise and beloved aunt, not a role that was filled in my own family of origin.
I was a cultural anthropology major those many years ago, and my interest in this covers both emotional and intellectual ground.
I reread this and see that it may sound as though I think only bio side relationships may come with questions and reappraisals. Not what I meant or what I've seen play out, just to be clear