#notallmothers
If things go as I intend, my birth mother will receive a lavish bouquet from her local florist this afternoon. If instead things had gone as everyone else had intended, my birth mother would have gotten nothing, because I would not have known her name, or her home address, or whether she was alive or dead.
Mother’s Day is an occasion for breakfast in bed, a vase of flowers, brunch with mimosas. It is also an occasion to teach and reinforce a doctrine. It celebrates mothers who mother.
First, some “touching messages” for Mother’s Day.
I'm not only grateful today but every single day that you're my Mom.
You're not only the best mother, you're my best friend.
The greatest compliment anyone can give me is to say that I'm just like you.
Let today be a reminder of just how wonderful you are, and how loved.
Happy Mother's Day to the woman I admire most in the world.
From drying my tears to celebrating my triumphs, you have always been there for me. Thank you, Mom.
I appreciate you even more now that I'm a mom.
Thank you for everything you do for me and your grandchildren.
Some “complimentary messages.”
Thank you for teaching me how to be a good woman, mom, and human through your example. Happy Mother's Day!
Of all the moms in the world, how did I luck out to get you as mine?
Mom, if I'm even half the mother to my kids that you are to me, then I know I'm doing a great job.
I am the person I am today because of your guidance, Mom. I love you.
You gave me the best childhood and continue to brighten my days just by being you. Thank you for year after year of endless support and love.
Some “inspirational quotes.”
“I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know.” —Mitch Albom
“A mother's arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them.”—Victor Hugo
“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” —Abraham Lincoln
“A mother's arms are more comforting than anyone else's.” —Princess Diana
“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” ―Washington Irving
Cute, trite, sweet, banal, inoffensive—and no space for severed motherhood. Mothers are the ones who were there: the ones there “when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us;” there for “drying my tears” and “celebrating my triumphs;” there to give me “the best childhood;” there for “teaching me how to be a good human.”
I asked my birth mother if she found my birthday a difficult date on the calendar. She replied that the date had become blurred in her memory. For her, the worst date on the calendar was Mother’s Day. It is an annual reminder to the severed mothers that they are the ones who were not there and therefore do not count.
“I'm not only grateful today but every single day that you're my Mom.” Mother’s Day is a call for gratitude. Where gratitude is merited (not all mothers merit it), it is fitting to bestow it. But adopted people hear the call for gratitude differently. When I question why I am to call one woman “mother” and not another, when I question why I was not even permitted to know the one I am not to call “mother,” I receive a question in return: Aren’t you grateful?
“I never thought I would hear you call anyone but [your adoptive mother] ‘mom’,” my adoptive father once said to me, after I summoned the gumption to tell him that I had discovered and met my birth mother. Do severed mothers deserve a card if they don’t even deserve the word “mother?”
What idea of motherhood am I supposed to celebrate this weekend? Am I performing gratitude or ingratitude by sending flowers to my birth mother?
Thousands of women in this country have had their children disappeared, under a system that receives nearly universal praise—with a long waiting list of hopeful participants. Thousands of other women in this country have acquired the right, through this system, to the word “mother” and, if they mothered well, to the expectation of cards, flowers, and morning cocktails this weekend.
Mother’s Day picks a side. To those severed from their children, it says “this is not your day.” To those severed from their mothers, it says “remember how gratitude works.”
Last, some “funny messages” for Mother’s Day.
Thanks for being the best Mom ever! I wouldn't be here without you—literally!
It's not easy being a mom. If it was, Dad would do it.
I love you Mom, but I'm never accepting your friend request.
Happy Mother's Day, even though we all know the dog is your favorite.
I'm so grateful you never put me up for adoption, though I'm sure there were times you were seriously tempted! Happy Mother's Day!
This hit me like a right hook. I hate this holiday for many of these reasons, and more. And the addition of Birth Mother’s Day is like salt on an open wound.
Thank you, yet again, Tony for your insightful and honest perspective.
Tony, this is so insightful. I appreciate how clearly you articulate the complicated nature of Mother’s Day for all of us who have complicated feelings about mothers and mothering that don’t fit in a Hallmark card greeting. It especially hit this year as I reflect on the five years I was able to celebrate Mother’s Day with my birth mother before she passed away last summer. Thank you.