Unlike you, I don’t see myself as a victim. My adoption was a good thing. I was raised by loving people who could take care of me. I am sure I am better off today than I would have been if my birth mother had not put me up for adoption. That is a reconstruction, not a literal transcript, of replies occasionally made to my posts about adoption. It is rhetorically potent because it has intuitive common sense on its side. Pregnant people who decide to relinquish do so, in the overwhelming majority of cases, both because their circumstances constrain them to do so and because they judge that their child will be better off in a different family. (Neither of these conditions strictly entails the other. The constraint can be so severe that the relinquishing parent might not know whether their child will in fact be better off; this was even likelier to be true in the Baby Scoop era of closed adoptions and the stigmatization of unmarried pregnancy. And, conversely, a child might be better off in a different family even if the parent isn’t constrained to choose relinquishment. As I like to point out, if
This is uncanny how timely this piece is for me. I’ve been struggling lately and when I tried to discuss the issues around being adopted with my own birth mother, she brushed them off. The last time we spoke, she told me to “get over it” and that’s when I instituted a no-contact plan with her.
I’ve come to realize that she believes she is the only victim in our story. I’m sorry for what she went through, but I’m allowed to grieve too so I can move on. She wants to stay the victim.
Tony, first before all other things, you're my friend. I read with my own baggage...my own childhood, my experience as a woman, as a mother. I have spent most of my awake hours with other people's children. I like imaging your mind growing as a little child. I imagine how your eyes must have followed the adults around you with precision that our adult minds could only hope to comprehend. Your voice, your mind, your self has always been a light I've cherished in the haze of day to day reality. I can't know what you know, but I love reading what you write. I think you are a gift. I'm thankful that you are my friend.
Tony, you have done an amazing job of describing the interplay between the personal perspectives and social realities of adoptees.
Like if I fully stipulated to the view I'm not a victim of adoption and committed my life to acting accordingly what would change? It would not erase what happened and how I feel about it nor would it magically elevate my social standing in contexts where my being adopted is relevant.
Basically people want adoptees to be victims - it's the whole basis for the myth about APs rescuing us, after all - until the second we acknowledge we are, in fact, victims. And when we point out the real, systemic ways adoption victimizes us, they really lose their shit.
This is uncanny how timely this piece is for me. I’ve been struggling lately and when I tried to discuss the issues around being adopted with my own birth mother, she brushed them off. The last time we spoke, she told me to “get over it” and that’s when I instituted a no-contact plan with her.
I’ve come to realize that she believes she is the only victim in our story. I’m sorry for what she went through, but I’m allowed to grieve too so I can move on. She wants to stay the victim.
Tony, first before all other things, you're my friend. I read with my own baggage...my own childhood, my experience as a woman, as a mother. I have spent most of my awake hours with other people's children. I like imaging your mind growing as a little child. I imagine how your eyes must have followed the adults around you with precision that our adult minds could only hope to comprehend. Your voice, your mind, your self has always been a light I've cherished in the haze of day to day reality. I can't know what you know, but I love reading what you write. I think you are a gift. I'm thankful that you are my friend.
Wow. Once again, you nailed it.
The list of harms created by the circumstances of adoption has such specificity and moral heft—thank you for articulating this so clearly!
Tony, you have done an amazing job of describing the interplay between the personal perspectives and social realities of adoptees.
Like if I fully stipulated to the view I'm not a victim of adoption and committed my life to acting accordingly what would change? It would not erase what happened and how I feel about it nor would it magically elevate my social standing in contexts where my being adopted is relevant.
Basically people want adoptees to be victims - it's the whole basis for the myth about APs rescuing us, after all - until the second we acknowledge we are, in fact, victims. And when we point out the real, systemic ways adoption victimizes us, they really lose their shit.