I took to Twitter in what might have looked like a fit of pique, though for once I wasn’t piqued. I posted this: Why, though, is it “remarkably obnoxious?” Or rather, what did I mean in calling it that? It isn’t unanswerable. Every adopted person who searches for their biological parents
Thank you for this. I appreciate your articulation around this topic. Related, something I often struggle to talk about is how questions like this are impacted by unconscious bias. In conversation w/ friends I try to create an awareness around how, if you are a kept person who has always known their biological parents and never encountered any of the issues or challenges related to what it is to be an adoptee, than your ability to grasp these issues and challenges is severely impaired. Trying to imagine what it is to not know something that you have always known. Trying to imagine what it is like for something embedded in the very fabric of your being and lived experience to not be so... it is a remarkably impossible task. Similarly to how I, as a white cisgendered individual, must grapple w/ my unconscious and implicit biases as a result of these identities, a kept person has unconscious biases they too must grapple with if they are to cultivate a greater sense of compassion, empathy and awareness in relation to adoptees.
It's so bizarre, really, once you're out of the fog, to meet others who are still in it. People for whom the sentence "I decided I needed to learn the identities of my biological parents because, after being diagnosed with cancer and, soon thereafter, becoming the father of two children, I realized that I was no longer content with telling doctors that I knew nothing about my medical history" just isn't enough. I mean it's outrageous.
As always, written with profound intelligence and insight, and for me, in language that is accessible. There are three close friends to whom I am dying to send this, but I don't dare. All are related to someone created by a variety of donors. But if someday the topic comes up, I know where to look for help in explaining why their relation wants to know who they are.
Thank you for this, Tony. I expect some invasive questions as I navigate reception to my name change and I’m thinking about how I will respond. You’ve given me a framework to help.
Thank you for this. I appreciate your articulation around this topic. Related, something I often struggle to talk about is how questions like this are impacted by unconscious bias. In conversation w/ friends I try to create an awareness around how, if you are a kept person who has always known their biological parents and never encountered any of the issues or challenges related to what it is to be an adoptee, than your ability to grasp these issues and challenges is severely impaired. Trying to imagine what it is to not know something that you have always known. Trying to imagine what it is like for something embedded in the very fabric of your being and lived experience to not be so... it is a remarkably impossible task. Similarly to how I, as a white cisgendered individual, must grapple w/ my unconscious and implicit biases as a result of these identities, a kept person has unconscious biases they too must grapple with if they are to cultivate a greater sense of compassion, empathy and awareness in relation to adoptees.
It's so bizarre, really, once you're out of the fog, to meet others who are still in it. People for whom the sentence "I decided I needed to learn the identities of my biological parents because, after being diagnosed with cancer and, soon thereafter, becoming the father of two children, I realized that I was no longer content with telling doctors that I knew nothing about my medical history" just isn't enough. I mean it's outrageous.
As always, written with profound intelligence and insight, and for me, in language that is accessible. There are three close friends to whom I am dying to send this, but I don't dare. All are related to someone created by a variety of donors. But if someday the topic comes up, I know where to look for help in explaining why their relation wants to know who they are.
You explain it very well. Thank you.
Thank you for this, Tony. I expect some invasive questions as I navigate reception to my name change and I’m thinking about how I will respond. You’ve given me a framework to help.